The basic, and current map of things: get educated, build a career, meet someone, settle somewhere, build a family, retire to die- or- retire to travel, watch your offspring spring another repeat.
That scares me.
I want to travel and see the world before I decide WHERE i want to live, let alone “settle”. I want to learn and learn, to decide what it is i want to do- which is learn everything I can. And I don’t want to do what comes easy to me, I want to work hard, because that falls in line with work ethics which bleeds into your everyday actions. (Reference to a Bruce Lee quote.) Yet I don’t care for money but yes, i understand it’s what moves you forward. It’s what spends time- and pays attention. Time to travel, attention to studies. I wish, wish we were born with the basic knowledge of all things, to understand the workings around us and see where we truly fit, versus- shoot for the stars- and just pick. Yet, maybe its just everyone else that knows what they want to do the moment they do it. I do it, and I want to know who- who, what, when? Okay so where why and how oh and it relates to this. And this, but it correlates to this but contradicts this. Wait, I’m learning something new now different from what I was learning. Fuck. And yeahs- I know, its called an existential crisis, that’s whats it called BUT not what it is. I know what I want to do- travel and learn, but I also want to pay my dues. Be able to give back, contribute. I don’t care for discovering something new, unless it’ll better the world, I want to discover things I haven’t the opportunity to experience- morale compass included. I want to work a million occupations, I wish there was some form of job rotation. Hey you’ve never tried or learn this, here you go, okay you’re quite natural at this, hmm, try this. Like some people, have the potential to be Hollywood, others’ leaders, and some shouldnt be where their at- but their paths are paved. It’s a dream, if we can “rotate”. I want to be a doctor one day, an athlete the next, a janitor tomorrow, a warrior yesterday. I want to know what I can be natural at and what I struggle with. I want to travel and learn things, live occupations, but the problem: how do you eat, where do you sleep, how will regulate your hygiene, how will you share that self with one, most of all, how will you pay for all of it.
Yeahs, its not an existential crisis, it’s money.
Maybe I should care about it. Sacrifice years, so I can spend a ‘few’ doing what I actually want. But traveling takes years, you travel to learn culture, try foods, meet people, speak a different tongue, live a different understanding. Learning takes discipline and to be studious, included the six questions. Who what when where why and how. The conjunctions: and but because. Occupation is nearly impossible without the second, learning, and repeating, well there’s on the job training, but whose going to risk hiring a risk taker. You can’t certifity: quick learner, character, and work ethic. On a side note: then there’s adult, or folks older than me telling me what I should be, what I should do, what each of them would do differently. If only not differently but we can learn to a point where we “wished we could’ve done it this way” then given the opportunity. But it’s not like that. It’s a world full of regret and fool of regret and blind to it.
It’s scares me.
Even if I’ll live that life learning, traveling, I won’t have learned everything and traveled everywhere. Even if I accomplish what I want to settle doing, I’ll have spent years on trial and error. There’s no medium. And I’ve already spent 25…